It Must Be Christmas

When I was a kid I was typically sick around Christmas. Yes, yes, the social workers in the crowd are exclaiming deep-seeded issues around "family of origin" this and "inner child" that.

Whatever.

I have never been a big fan of Christmas.

I totally dig Thanksgiving. That's my holiday. :) It's not the food - although that's a great benefit. It's more about the sentiment: gratitude. Those having grown up and sticking with Christian denominations will point to the celebration of Jesus' birthday on December 25th (which in and of itself is embroiled with the whole birthday/Winter Solstice debate).

This holiday has long seemed to be about getting and tallying: "What did you get for Christmas?" Sure, many ask "how was your Christmas?" But that is typically followed by the "get" question. I know, my Buddhism is showing - but for me it's still not about getting. And I was really shown that this year.

So I'm home. I'm sick. Because it's Christmas - and for many years I was sick at Christmas - I think a lot of it was stress as a college kid taking finals (and I get sick when I'm stressed). Then there was holiday travel, blah, blah, blah... so I got sick at Christmas. In the past few years I wasn't - eh - but this year I am.

Anyway, back to my couch and Kleenex box (and it IS Kleenex btw), I was sick this year. Christmas Eve I was to have plans. I was sick - and so is my car (don't get me started on that). I missed out on dinner with the best family ever... so on Christmas day I am feeling a bit better and make dinner. As I am cleaning up - I hear my house phone ringing. Two people have my home phone and I've talked to one of them today...

And the number I see on the ID isn't the other guy's. It is Em: mommy in the best family ever. She comes over and delivers the best Christmas I can remember. I didn't ask for Christmas - but she brought it to me. It literally brought tears to my eyes - and it takes a lot to make me cry.

The moral of the story: it's about giving, and sometimes the gifts come when you least expect them and from the most unlikely of places. This has been my family-away-from-family for a long time, but I was absolutely blown away and speechless by the love they showed me. No - gave me.

I don't know that Christmas will ever edge out Thanksgiving as my favorite holiday, but this year it beat the hell out of it in terms of gratitude.

On the Road Again

Two days in a row this weekend I was outside and it's awesome. Well - it's awesome right now, here on my couch, under a blanket with a nice hot cup of coffee by my side.

Yesterday morning I had to do another field test. This is a form of torture where one find out if or to what extent fitness has improved since the last time the test was run. In the case of a cyclist it's a 3-mile time trial. The course I picked it out in Montgomery County on a road that I thought had low traffic. I was wrong. It's not high traffic, but it's not low. And by no means are those motorists cyclists-friendly as I was reminded yesterday.

On my way to the course I continually noted the snow on the side of the road. That's right: snow. It was 30 degrees and we had flurries the night before. As I warmed up I found there was really nowhere for me to go if someone really wanted to ride close to me - once I hit the white stripe it was all snow. I say all this to preface the fact that I ran the course 30 seconds slower than I did the first time I did the course. Oddly enough even though it was slower overall, other factors (heart rate) indicate my fitness has improved.

I'm really happy with that. I loaded the field tests as well as my warm up and I can see how it's improved. Although I did freak out about going slower at first - calls from my coach and some text messages put things into perspective. I was also really happy that I got up and out of the house and outside for the workout. Not that watching movies inside on the trainer is a bad thing, but I don't ride to watch movies.

So this morning I knew I had a shorter run - 30 minutes. With a slight drizzle and cold many runners would have opted for the treadmill - but not me. I decided to run outside. Earlier this week I had run outside and it had worked really well. Because I've figured out I need to hear my stride, running outside is really helpful. So, I walked the dog and headed back out.

The beginning of the run is uphill - a great warm up (note: sarcasm). By the time I got to the main road I was warmed up and ready for the strides. In the middle of the first stride, I ran by the local McDonalds. That's not the best smell first thing in the morning when you're running, let me tell ya. Anyway, the run felt fantastic. My form felt easy, effortless really. I didn't feel like my breathing was labored - it wasn't a struggle. I felt like my feet were landing right where they needed to - in the midfoot. The foot-roll felt great. There wasn't a noticeable difference between the two feet, I didn't feel a stomping on the right versus a light landing on the left. Whereas I've been hesitant to run on asphalt and sidewalks it seems to have been what I needed. The other thing is I ran in different shoes... who knows what made the difference. Does it matter? I'm on the road again... and really happy. :)

Never Again

November, 1995 - Somewhere in the woods between Traverse City and Kalkaska, MI: "Never again." That's what I said to myself as some kid passed me on the Iceman Cometh Challenge. I had just started walking my bike up the hill, no *mountain*, and I heard the voice of a child say "On your left". She might have even thrown in a "ma'am" as a sign of respect.

And I said, "Never again."

I wasn't speaking to an internal spark, or the stubborn will of a 25 year-old woman with fire and determination. Nope. It was a statement of surrender. I'd hang up the racing kit and not swing a leg over the mountain bike for many a year. Each time I tried, some voice in the back of my head said "Really, you're going to try this again? But you can't do this. You tried already. Remember. You suck. Some kid astride a Huffy will drop you in a heartbeat." I'd concede to the voice one more time and not try - or act like I tried and fail one more time.

November, 2010, Maryland: I'm training to race next year. There's every likelihood I might get my a$$ handed to me by some kid that can't drive yet (I know, I see you out there you juniors... don't think I'm not watching you...). Yep. I'm almost 40. I haven't raced in *years*. But what is different is I have the drive and determination I never had as a 25 year old. I have the ability to stick to a training plan, listen to direction. I've got endurance. I want it. I may not win, but I'll define my own meaning of success. Even if it's passing the kids in middle school.

And some day I'll go back and do Iceman again. It's an epic race I took for granted. If you've never heard of it - take the time to read this article. The author truly did the race justice:
http://tinyurl.com/2evkqrb

Never Alone

I grew up pretty in the Midwest and live on the East Coast. With my family still located in the square states, I don't often share the holidays with family. Well - let me say that another way, I don't often spend the holidays with the family that raised me. I have always spent holidays with family.

In the past 5 years I have received numerous invitations for all of the major holidays. I can't remember a holiday where I was concerned about what I was going to do - I was more concerned that I didn't want to hurt someone's feelings by turning down an invitation. My ego likes to tell tales of friends battling over getting to me first. :)

This wasn't always the case. I've grown up a lot, and heck - I've just grown. I've gone through all the phases and hopefully come out the other side. But I can easily reflect on the times where there were not multiple invites - and times the phone never rang.

I can also say, I'm grateful for food on the table and friends.

I'm fortunate enough to have a great deal of choices. There is a quote out there about the richest man has the most choices, not the greatest balance in his account and I agree with that. This year, some friends carried on a tradition of having a Thanksgiving-eve dinner. Since we've been getting milk, eggs and other various items delivered by South Mountain Creamery, we ordered a turkey from them this year as well.

The meal was perfect. The company was awesome. What makes the experience over the top is a lot of the ingredients were local. Why does that matter? Values really. Yeah, more and more is outsourced which drives down prices and increases efficiencies (a good thing in a lot of ways). Buying local does all those "lower your carbon footprint" things along with fueling the local economy. I'd far rather add a few bucks in a local farmer's pocket... a farmer, by the way, that feeds cows grass, doesn't use drugs unless they need them and actually lets that animal see sun and walk... That farmer hires local drivers. Local workers. Instead of the opposite...

I feel better about that. A lot better.

Someone argued with me once "but you're one person, and can't really make that big of an impact." The only thing I have to say in response is: Let it begin with me... I won't be alone for long.

My Focus Needs More Focus

I had a 2.5 hour ride on the schedule today. When I talked with Coach Allen I had planned on parking in downtown Ellicott City then driving to Patapsco and riding on the trails. Then I got this bright idea about riding up in Frederick County.

Bad idea. I realized as I was about to head out the door that if I was going to watch my friend Dre in her first Cross race, I needed to already be in Fred-neck and on the road - and I wasn't even in my hot little cycling shorts yet. So, I went with Plan A - parked downtown and headed out. I had *just* enough time.

I did the steady state rides up College and Bonnie Branch. Coach Allen mentioned I didn't need so much to watch cadence or speed as heart rate - which I keep forgetting... So I changed the data settings on my HRM so I could keep an eye on it. Wow. Interesting. I couldn't keep my HR in that zone - I was about 6 beats high - so I just let that part be. Whenever I tried to keep it in the lower range I would space off and be in the 130's.

So, I get to where I need to head to the trail head... and... oh yes I did. I got lost. It baffles me how I can do this after the many, many years I have lived in this area and driven and ridden these roads. I claim oxygen debt. After - literally - an hour - I hit the trails. And about 15 minutes later I got nothin. And I mean it. I just wanted to pull over and have a picnic and take a nap. I got some nutrition and water - and no one joined the party. I figured it would just be what it would be...

At an hour and 45 in I fed again and my legs came to life. That was refreshing. Literally. I did another 15 min on the trail and headed back to the car.

All in all it wasn't a challenging ride, but it was just clear that I was completely focused on the intervals then I was thinking about getting on to the next event of the day - Dre's Cross race. I was concerned I was going to be late - which I was (I missed the start and the first lap).

The part that was totally fun was seeing how my skill is improving - going over roots, climbing - I'm on the bike way more and going faster (I think - I haven't really looked).

After hanging out at the Cross race for a bit I headed to HT and got some food for tonight's dinner. I haven't eaten a thing, mind you, since breakfast (aside from GU). When I got home, the first thing I did was threw down a piece of pumpkin pie. My hands were shaking I was so hungry and depleted (it was 4:30 - I shoulda been!!!). Not exactly the best recovery food - but man was it good!!!!

Cold, Wet, Tired, Dirty and Happy as Heck

I had a 2.5 hour ride ahead of me, and I just couldn't face that indoors on the trainer...

 

So I had planned to head to the Seneca Greenway. Alas, I jacked around too much because that's about an hour's car ride from my place. Patapsco it was. :)

 

I rode there last week and only made it an hour in and had to bail I was so cooked. I figured I would go ahead and give it a go and head out when my legs and mind had enough. I had a few intervals that needed to be done, and I could do those on the trainer. Besides, it was in the low 50's... did I really want to freeze for 2.5 hours on a bike? By the time I finished I figured I'd be in the high 40's... I'm not a huge fan of cold. I can do wet - but wet and cold... no. And the cold-wet combo comes into play when one sweats and starts doing repeats...

 

But I digress...

 

So I pulled into my little parking spot, donned the appropriate layers of gear and headed out. I hit the stream crossing and wet down. Yep. First time in years - in the water. Well - *that* water anyway. All I kept saying to myself was "Get up! Get up! You're getting wet dude!!! Get up!!!" On the other side I assessed the damage. I was soaked. Then I kept asking myself, "Now what?" I did what every self-respecting athlete would do: clipped in and pedaled on.

 

I lost a lot of confidence after that spill. I was walking over twigs. Dismounting for piles of leaves. I got lost. Then, I dunno what happened... something. Somewhere - it was like something got switched in my brain. Everything got quiet - it was going up some big-ass hill. I stopped dismounting (unless it was HUGE). I was moving - and I mean *moving*. I was in the zone. I was floating over roots and getting my teeth rattled out of my head. I was descending like Missy Giove - ok, maybe that's a stretch, but you get the idea...

 

At nearly an hour on the trail I took a "nature brake", took in a few chews, got some fluids and pedaled on... Then I realized I had an appointment with those intervals (aka "Steady State"). So. I went on over to Illchester. I stopped at the car and got another layer and still froze my a$$ off on my way there. I did one of the intervals on the way there. I did 3 of the intervals on Illchester (the last two I kept promising myself "I swear dude, this is the last one..."). I had to cut the last SS short by 2 min as I got back to the car early... and there was a wee downhill in there too. Try a steady state with a downhill... ugh. I had to go to the big chain ring and hold both brakes to keep up the resistance.

 

In retrospect I should have done the intervals in the house first then hit the trail - but all in all - a great ride. As I swing up beside the 'Ru I thought "Every inch of my body hurts." I went to Chipotle for a well-earned burrito. I was so tired last night I nearly couldn't get to sleep. But it was well worth it. Rides like that continue to remind me to push through, that hard gets good. That when I stick with something it's always worth it in the end.

Lost My Groove

Running has been and always will be a form of meditation. I feel free when I run. I've always been able to get out the door and calm my mind just by slipping on a pair of running shoes and pounding out a few miles.

It's the breathing. It's the rhythm of the stride. It's being outside. It's how my head shuts down.

I'm not unique. I've talked to many, many runners and they feel exactly the same way.

With all that said, my stride is labored. My breathing is as well. Running feels like a struggle. So what's worse: being sidelined or struggling to get in a 35 minute run? Without a doubt the struggle. I'm not happy about it - but the struggle is better. How do I know?

I've been here before. I had ACL surgery in May of 2000... and my gate was atrocious. It was horrible. People cringed watching me run. I still cringe thinking about it.

Several months ago I really thought I'd never really run again. I mean really run. Like compete. RUN. But I will. It just sucks right now. And it's sucked before, it's sucked worse. And as a guy I know says, "Sometimes you just have to put your head down and walk into the wind."

So, that's what I gotta do.

I keep lacing up my shoes. I found a track. I carve out time to make it to optimal surfaces.
I make changes.
I keep trying.
I continue.

And one day, I'll run effortlessly. Easily. It will flow again. I'll find my groove.

I Believe

There may be unique events, but circumstances repeat themselves in our lives.

Infinity extends in both directions. Every action you take, however small, matters.

The Finish Line!

It's official - I am no longer "injured". I had my last PT appointment last week. I am now "coming back from in jury". The mindset is totally different - and somewhat still a challenge to change, yet a joy to face that challenge.

I've been riding a great deal - I'm up to just over 2 hours (unintentionally). I was supposed to do just 2 hours on Saturday and ended up getting lost. Where the hell is Haviland Rd in HoCo anyway???

I met up with some friends after that ride at Larriland Farms. Nothing like capping off a long, hard ride with a burger, sweet potato fries and apple fritters! The fritters were FANTASTIC!! And there's nothing quite like watching "city-folk" chase chickens around with their cell phones. That's the first time I've had meat in... wow... I can't remember when.

The next day I did my official thing at the Hyattsville Cross. All day. Long day. Then came home to run 15 minutes. Wow. I was exhausted.

This is my easy week - more or less. I made the mistake of adding some new and different moves in the gym that have had me pretty sore. Coach Allen had me doing Bikram yesterday to boot. Since it's been a while since I've been in the studio that totally kicked my ass.

Add that to me foregoing my allergy meds because of testing that was happening today and it all adds up to me feeling a wee under the weather.

And speaking of that allergy thing - I'm allergic to the cat. Who knew? Note to self: 1) Never go into an appointment and insist on a cause unless you are certain. Absolutely certain. I swore my year-round, indoor allergies were due to mold and dust. Nope. Kitty. 2) It is never a good sign when a doctor who has clearly been doing her thing for quite some time looks at your arm and says (with genuine alarm) "WOW! Look at that!" Yes. I am quite allergic to grass.

I'm also allergic to trees and weeds... and I'm a runner and cyclist. Sweet. It does explain a lot, however. ;-)

After having said all of this - life is great. Yes, I have to get shots because I'm out of options for allergy management. Yes, I have a long way to go to get back into shape (and lose the weight I gained during the injury period). But frankly - this is all progress and this is all good. I'll take it ANY DAY.

Life in the Rear View Mirror

After several blogs seemingly written by Eeyore, I’m coming out on the other side of this injury. Today I’ll run 10 minutes on the treadmill and have just 2 pt sessions over 2 weeks remaining. For all of my whining, I now seem to have euphoric recall or something – it doesn’t seem like I’ve been in PT that long. Ok, maybe not… I’m 16 weeks from surgery, nearly 17. I was supposed to be running anywhere between 8 and 10 weeks out. Many would be quick to point out I was injured for one heck of a long time – and it takes time to heal. Time takes time…

On the cusp of being cut loose from PT and out there on my own again, the greatest fear is re-injury. I’m taking some steps to make sure that doesn’t happen – or at least that my chances are less likely. But there are no guarantees.
On the up side, like I said to someone recently after running 4 minutes outside – I feel like a kid that gets to stay out past when the street lights come on. Or, more to my roots… when you can see the fireflies. I’m looking forward to 2011 already, picking out races I’d like to do, thinking about longer term goals. I know this is still a long process of recovery but I finally feel like I’m past the point of “this injury sucks and I’ll never run again.”

So, why is it that so many lessons are learned by looking in the rear-view mirror? I know months from now, when I’m doing speed work and cycling for hours on end I’ll be saying “I wish I had a few free nights to go hang out with friends” or “how did my house get so messy? Oh yeah, I’m like a tornado sweeping through the place again”… running from place to place, workout to event and so on.

Injury changes an athlete, I believe. Yeah, I know – it’s all about attitude. I know that, believe me. And while in it, I know I really tried to be positive, I tried to find other ways to work out, other things to occupy myself – and I’d say I did an ok job. I volunteered; I got asked to do some things and said yes. I did hang out with some friends. Yet, I know I isolated. I spent more time at home at night, mostly due to the pain of surgery then it became comfortable. My weight went up and down – my body composition has changed (and not for the better).

All this is to say I do have more choices. I have a choice as to how to continue coming out of this. I have looked in the rear-view mirror and I’ve identified some places I don’t want to visit again and the turns in the road I don’t need to take. So my lessons and I will move forward and see what this journey has to offer next.

The Rage of Achilles

It's been just over 14 weeks since my surgery and as one would expect, it's been an up and down process.

The official name for the surgery was "Haglunds Removal" - Haglunds being the bump on my ankle that ought not to be there. The process, in my own words, is Dr. Curl opened the ankle on the medial side then moved the Achilles tendon out of the way to get access to the bone. She took what amounts to a Saws-All and took off the bone that was rubbing against my tendon. :) She stitched me up. I feel sure any surgeon will assure me it's far more complicated than that - but that's what it sounded like to me anyway... When I described this to a nurse-friend of mine she blurted out "Oh God, that's going to hurt!" When she realized I looked rather concerned she began to assure me... but that didn't help much.

I will give Harbor Hospital in Baltimore major props - they are an outstanding facility. My friend Emily and I got there really, really early and signed in. They put the bracelet on me and scanned me in. (??) They gave Em a decoder... and told her to look at the screen. When my number came up and there was a colored bar associated with it, look on the decoder to see where I was... indeed... an LPS... :) She was sending text messages to interested parties as to my whereabouts in the process.

The surgery went well as did recovery. They loaded me up with drugs several times in both stages of recovery so poor Em was dealing with one drugged up kid-o by the end of the day. I went home in a space boot and on crutches.

Over the next few days I had a few friends scheduled to stay with me to make sure I was ok - and I was. I was off crutches in about 24 hours. I had to increase ice as I wanted to get off pain meds too. I was back at work in a week. I was in the boot for 2 weeks. The first pic here is about a week after surgery when I was brave enough to take the pic... swelling was down a lot, so was bruising and you can see I still have my stitches in.

I saw the PA at 2 weeks, got my stitches out and was busted out of the boot. :) I also got to start PT with probably the best guy in the business - Ian West from Physiotherapy Associates in Laurel. Since then Ian's had me learn how to walk all over again - but I no longer pronate all over hell and half of Georgia. I have progresses from just cycling to walking on the treadmill at 15 degrees of incline then running (for a total of 10 min).

Outside of PT I am cycling again and up to about a half hour. I am on the elliptical as well and around a half hour there as well. The second pic is when I was in San Diego - after the stitches came out... much better. :)

With all of this, people might be inclined to think all has come off without a hitch... not so fast friends... this process hasn't been smooth. Let's remember, at the beginning the doc said, "we don't like to see people run anywhere before 8 to 10 weeks." I didn't run until around 12. I still have pain... particularly in the morning or after I sit for extended periods. Oddly, dress shoes are an issue. I have a pair of loafers I am going to burn... they hurt like hell. I am trying to treat them like I do other activities - start slow, wear them for an hour then switch to comfy shoes and increase from there. It's going well - but I'll never wear the hard leather loafers again. Ok, well, never is a long time, and I do wear suits...

What's next? More PT. I am going to be in PT for at least 4 more weeks - until I can run for 10 minutes on the treadmill. I am going to assume I need to be hopping as well (only because that's what the little check sheet says...).

I am planning on racing with a team next year... so I want to get into decent shape before Spring. I'm looking into getting a coach - primarily because I am a crazy person (as someone pointed out to me). I want to do this right and I don't really trust myself. I will do the coach thing for at least a year and see how it goes - if it's working I'll stay with it. But that's pretty far down the line, that coaching thing. Four to eight weeks still seems so far away when I am working day by day to walk correctly, get single leg strength back and rest - really heal.

I take full responsibility for this - I did it to myself. I ran injured and at the time it was totally worth it and I was willing to pay the price. What I didn't know at the time was the total cost of ownership. I didn't understand that at each decision point I was getting deeper and deeper into the injury and making the comeback harder and harder.

Achilles was the mightiest of Greeks who fought in the Trojan war... he was relentless and apparently had quite a temper. I can fully understand why this tendon was named after this guy. I've learned my lesson - I won't pick this fight again.

The Bucket List

I owe ya'll an update on the ankle. All is going well - well being a relative term. I'm impatient, but it's moving along. I have pictures and all. :)


But that's not today's topic... oh no. I saw a link on yahoo about the Aurora Borealis moving South and there were some amazing pics and I thought, "I gotta add that to the 'Bucket List' as I've never seen that before." I realized I haven't updated the list lately... So I thought I should...


Here's what I have:
Kayak in the Grand Canyon (leftover from the old list)
Mountain Bike Moab (leftover)
See the Tour de France live
Ride Alpe d'Huez
Vacation in all 50 states
See the Auoroa Borealis (new!) Check out the pics here: http://tinyurl.com/247w7ou



Here's what I've crossed off the list:
Learn to Rock climb
Buy a house
Get Married (I'm an over-achiever... I got divorced too! ) :)
Run a marathon

I'll continue to update this as I cross things off and update the list. :)

One Ending is Another's Beginning

I made the decision to have the ankle surgery - May 28th to be exact. I've been asked what the surgery is called and I don't know. The surgeon will go in, move my Achilles tendon aside and cut off off the excess bone that's a problem. There is a portion of the bone on the posterior side (back, under the tendon) and the medial side (inside of the ankle) at the insertion. None of the surgery deals with the tendon so recovery time is pretty fast.

I'll be in a walking boot for 3 or so weeks. That part kinda sucks... I am at the mercy of the rest of the world to take me places... I can ride my bike indoors, which is good. :) I can walk the dog - also good.

At the appointment I was concerned this wasn't the best course of action - that waiting longer was a better idea... however, the thing is, I might be waiting a year. I can wait or I can be done with this and running - lightly - in 8 to 10 weeks. I'll take the 2+ month recovery time thank you.

Yes, I do feel like I'm being impatient. However, the two doctors I have seen about this estimated a couple months of no activity would fix me. I've been on ice since January - no running since December... everything else (cycling, swimming, elliptical, etc) all ceased in January. It's nearly May... I hit a plateau after 2 weeks on the heel lifts. I feel like I've tried everything... heat, ice, stretching, strengthening and topical goo- I've tried doing, I've tried not doing. I've tried meditation and yoga. This isn't to say there hasn't been some improvement - there has. But I stopped improving. Time to pull out the big guns. :)

In the general scheme of my life, this is just one aspect that I feel like is in a holding pattern. Maybe by moving this forward I'll get movement in the other aspects. If not, the main area that helps me relieve stress, connect with nature and spirituality will be back. Running, cycling, hiking - all of that has been on hold because of this injury and it's been very challenging. It's forced me to find other ways of dealing with stress, of connecting with my Higher Power and of finding ways to exercise.

I have also learned the value of balance. I do not believe I have found balance - but I know I need to strive more for balance - physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually. The injury was initially caused by not recovering and rehabbing - a muscle imbalance. I pushed the pain out of my mind - an emotional imbalance - to achieve a single goal: mental imbalance?

Someone told me a whole back I was "paying the piper" and I agree. I ran through the pain of my injury so I could do my first marathon. In January and February it was absolutely worth it. Now, I'm not so sure. In the big picture, is 4 months of running, biking, etc that big of a deal? No, not really. But, in the end I'll get surgery and I'll be adding another... 3 months *total* to the recovery time. I trained for a year for a marathon for which I am spending 7 months in recovery. That is a mighty big price tag. A guy I know says "the juice isn't worth the squeeze" and I want to make sure the juice is worth it in this case - that I learn my lesson. And move forward and enjoy each and every run and ride - because I now know how precious they are.

Another Year Older

Friday was my birthday... my 39th to be exact. In a lot of ways it was one of my best. I got up, did Bikram yoga at 6:15 am, baked, went to dinner with friends and had them over to my place for baked goods. :)

As I walked Bailey early that morning I was thinking how wonderful the day was - the birds were chirping, the air was crisp. I don't know if they day could have started any better.

Since my Achilles injury I've been searching for something to do that won't hurt... and a friend said "why don't you go back to Bikram?" Since I was the one that turned her on to it, one might think that answer would have come to me naturally - alas it did not. After her suggestion, I started back and have slowly increased the number of times I am going per week. I went 4 times last week and on average I go two to three times per week. I am finding I can do it and it doesn't hurt. I also find it challenging and very rewarding at this time. If you don't know anything about Bikram and are not opposed to the heat, check it out. I've found it to be cleansing, energizing, fun and an activity that enhances my other activities (when not injured). I have no idea as to whether or no it's helping me heal - but it's not hurting... unlike other things I've tried. During Friday's class the instructor pointed out a wicked alignment issue which stems from weak hip flexors & is antagonized by this injury. Oh... and I go see the surgeon on the 26th. :)

Anyway, I baked a carrot cake & chocolate cup cakes... complete with cream cheese and butter cream frosting (respectively). A group of my friends joined me for dinner at Bertucci's. Nothing like pizza and carrot cake on your birthday! All in all it was a great birthday. I laughed and enjoyed the evening.

Yesterday and today... well... I don' always get what I want. I am working on not letting yesterday overshadow my great birthday. That part's easy - it was a great day and I feel grateful for all I shared with those I love. I am going to work on focusing on the people who are present in my life, who are active in my life and showing up for me. Concentrating on what I'm not getting - even when I ask for it - does little but hurt.

If my years have taught me anything it's to have faith. When I least expect it, things will turn around, out of the blue and with what feels like so little effort on my part.

Of Tunnels and No Light

Some day I hope to be able to run and play and frolic in the beautiful weather we are having here in the Metro DC area... alas, that day is not today.

Monday I hit the magical 6-week mark when I was to have been "cured" of this Achilles injury (note usage of past tense). On the 22nd I went down to the single layer on the heel lifts. The following night while walking the dog I was feeling some discomfort - enough to have to stop walking several times. Let me define walking the dog... slowly and on a flat surface. I am short and have a fast gait because I am accustomed to falling behind you normal-sized people... so I was less conscious of this on the walk than I should have been. I kept speeding up to my normal speed and had to keep slowing down... stopping... walking... stopping... you get the picture.

I went back to 2 layers for the rest of the week to give it a rest and get the pain to go away - which worked.

This Monday (the 29th) I gave a single layer another shot. I made it to Wednesday this time (ok, Tues night well after doggie walking). I've gone back up to 2 friggin layers and it still hurts.

Why you ask? I think it's the activity... I started looking for alternate activity to keep me from turning into the Pillsbury Dough Girl during this time, so I found something called Battling Ropes. It's way cool and gets my THR up faster than anything else right now. It's one hell of a workout if you're looking for something new. The issue is I'm doing it on my knees because of the injury and I'm digging in with my right foot.

Dammit!!!!!

The new plan... 2 layers for at least 2 weeks - maybe 3. No ropes... no nothing from the knees down. Again. That has seemed to bring the greatest quality recovery. The most encouraging thing about this is how quickly I am returning to no pain after these learning experiences. Even last night when it was pretty damn uncomfortable, ice took care of it pretty quickly. I am feeling pretty good today.

And one final note... I am convinced this injury stems from the calf strain. I didn't take the time to heal and rehab it in '08 and I am paying the price. More challenging is how one uses eccentric calf raises to rehab from an Achilles injury when the root cause is a calf strain. No one has been able to answer that one yet... which may be why I am still injured. The first link in the chain has to be strengthened and that hasn't happened (yep, I can still feel it - it's getting better though). Again, some things are encouraging but I'm not anywhere near where I want to be.

Those around me would be quick to remind me - while I might not be where I want to be - I am likely right where I should be - and learning the lessons I should. :)

The Holding Pattern

Two weeks ago I went back to the doctor to see about my achilles. After getting the MRI, doing the calf raises and such it wasn't getting better so I needed something. My orthopedic surgeon's exact words were "Let's throw everything we have at this before we do surgery."

Well, yeah. Let's.

So, I have heel lifts in my shoes and I am rubbing a topical on my tendon 4 times a day along with no activity from the knees down, wearing this odd wrap thing and the calf raises. Two weeks in and I do notice an improvement. :) I am not going to say I am out of the woods. I am not going to say I am cured or that I am *very* optimistic. I am not. I have a glimmer of hope.

These are all good signs because I can walk the dog, walk around the office and do my daily thing without pain. That means the stress on the tendon is lessening which is what we want... we want it to heal. It has had very little opportunity - if any - to do that.

The thing I found, and find, most frustrating about this process is the lack of information. The info on the Internet just says it's an overuse injury and it needs rest... and I can see the point there. But what else? What can you do? The heel lift thing was not mentioned frequently, and I found it in one or two medical journal type publications. Someone forwarded the info on the calf raises. What else is out there I am missing? What if this doesn't work (the throwing the kitchen sink at this)? Will it work for a week or so then I'll be facing surgery anyway? How many people end up getting surgery on this? It seems like a pretty common injury - but I had a hard time finding information other than, "rest and don't do a thing till it's better."

However, when one has an overuse injury by the very nature of the type of person who injures themselves via overuse... telling them to stop whatever they are doing isn't very effective. It has been an out and out struggle to get me to no use my legs (I can give phone numbers for references).

Gaining weight, losing fitness, losing tone - all issues for someone who works on their body and works out consistently. An added issue is there is almost no way to deal with stress. My face is redder these days because my blood pressure is up - work is very stressful right now.

Until March 29th I am in a holding pattern. I worked out a schedule. The creature of habit that I am likes routine and I gravitate toward it. I made a workout schedule so I had something to get me through. Hand bike, swimming and yoga. Woo hoo (note lack of enthusiasm).



Until next time folks, I'll be working hard at doing as little as possible and trying to heal... wish me luck, ya'll.

Hoping for Hope

Have I mentioned I've been dealing with an Achilles injury for a year now? I went to an orthopedic surgeon in December, went to PT, etc. That didn't really do anything. I went to another doc and got heel lifts and a nice drawing of the anatomy of the lower leg... but that's about it.

So far I've tried PT which consisted of ankle exercises and that didn't help. A friend sent me a boat load of info about eccentric calf exercises and I started doing those - and that has seemed to help. I have stopped cycling, haven't run since December. It probably goes without saying, but I haven't been on an elliptical or stair climber in months. All this with a little improvement.

When I swim and kick a lot, I hurt that night or the next day. I can do yoga pretty successfully without noticing too many issues the following day - and I feel fantastic immediately afterward.

I do notice I have an issue with the calf - it never healed after the half marathon and I am concerned the calf exercises aren't helping it.

What do I want out of tomorrow's appointment? A little hope. Some solid direction. A plan. Tell me what to do. Tell me what I can do - what I can't do. Tell me what to do so I can heal. That's what I want to know. If that means I stay off everything for 3 months - that's what it means. It would suck - but I am ready to do it.

I am hopeful... :) I have to be.

SnOMG 2010 - Baby it's cold outside...

It's day five here in the midst of SnOMG 2010. The first round was this weekend... 30 inches... now I have something like 10... 12... of fresh snow on top of that.

Mostly when I get out it's to walk the dog and shovel. One of the greatest things about this blizzard has been camaraderie with my neighbors.

Sunday night the Bobcats came around at 8 pm... I am not much of a football fan, so I was outside helping shovel my neighbors cars out. Earlier we had all noted they Bobcats were clearing a pass through the parking lots and heading on. We learned from this and after each pass, we shoveled any snow pushed to the edge, out of their reach, etc to the middle of the lane. No one knows what the drivers thought of this - but it was great for is as we had a clean lot (relatively speaking) by the time they left. The great part was being shoulder-to-shoulder with my neighbors helping each other out. It didn't matter whose car we were behind - or if that person had even stepped foot outside all day - we were just working together.

The other neat phenomena I have noticed is everyone is walking everywhere. One might argue it's completely dangerous given the conditions (big hunk of metal gliding toward you... no brakes... and no place for you to go...) but in general, a sense of community emerges. Numerous times I would ask if the grocery store was open or people would ask me if I knew when the plows were coming... all partners in a common situation. Some have better attitudes than others. :)

A woman that lives a few doors down from me relayed a comment that a 3rd woman made - she was going crazy and didn't want to be in her house anymore. The first woman said to me, "Really? Because I enjoy my own company." I feel the same. Yes, at times I get a little "cave crazy" as my dad calls it. But mostly, I have enjoyed this. Just hanging out with my pets, watching the snow and working.

I was working until after 8 pm last night and I think I am going to finish the report I'm working on (that I have been working on all day long, mind you) and rent a movie tonight. I bought sweet potatoes at the store last night... do some core work, my calf exercises... a movie and a good dinner. Sounds like a perfect night. :)

56 BPM

Snowmageddon 2010

In a first, my company allowed everyone to work at home because of the huge snowstorm. So far at 9:31 there's about 5 or so inches on the ground. I have yet to set foot in a grocery store but the rumor is there isn't a vegetable or piece of fruit in miles.

I walked Bailey around 7 and the field near my place was amazing. Obviously it's typically dark at that hour but it was so bright with the snow - just like daylight. All the light from the surrounding area was lighting up the entire field. It was great. She loves running around in the snow - and I do mean running around... in circles. She's a herder - so that's what she's bred for.

I've had Bailey about a year and walking her in the snow has become one of my favorite things. I get up hideously early during the week and it's so peaceful in the morning after a fresh snowfall - just the two of us. It's so beautiful - the snow covering the branches of the trees and the streetlights casting a yellow glow on everything.

One thing I am not so grateful for right now is the cold... my heat pump hasn't been pulling it's share of the load for a while now. I sit here on the couch fully clothed, under a blanket with a space heater running and my feet are cold as ice, my nose is cold and my hands are chilly... yeah... I'm cold. I called the home warranty company last night but haven't been able to get them out here... and it will be a while before I do.

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What's this caper, love?

Chicken Run - best movie ever, and that is one of the greatest lines. It's when the hens are trying to learn to fly. I guess that's how I feel these days... like I'm trying to learn how to fly.

Things are rather frustrating on all fronts these days and I've been injured for a while now. I've been able to ignore the Achilles tendinitis for months and months (about 11 of them to be exact). I stopped running in December and having run a marathon in November. I went to a doc, pt... another doc... now I am going to get an MRI and go back to the first doc.

From my experience when an athlete can't use their main outlet for stress, things get interesting. All sorts of coping mechanisms and old behaviors come to the surface. And that's not really a good thing. That's why I run. That's why I bike...

But let me also address the title of the blog... BPM. Yep - it's an acronym of sorts (Be Present, Be Mindful). Since I have been involved in a mindfulness practice for a while, it seemed like a good title. :) But also, as an athlete I wear a heart rate monitor a lot so I watch my beats per minute and it's a barometer of sorts. Too high, I'm working really hard.. too low and I'm not working hard enough... As best I can, I'll end the blog with my bpm... both being present and mindful of where I am in the world, how I feel in my own skin what I want and what I need... and...

58 BPM