Never Again

November, 1995 - Somewhere in the woods between Traverse City and Kalkaska, MI: "Never again." That's what I said to myself as some kid passed me on the Iceman Cometh Challenge. I had just started walking my bike up the hill, no *mountain*, and I heard the voice of a child say "On your left". She might have even thrown in a "ma'am" as a sign of respect.

And I said, "Never again."

I wasn't speaking to an internal spark, or the stubborn will of a 25 year-old woman with fire and determination. Nope. It was a statement of surrender. I'd hang up the racing kit and not swing a leg over the mountain bike for many a year. Each time I tried, some voice in the back of my head said "Really, you're going to try this again? But you can't do this. You tried already. Remember. You suck. Some kid astride a Huffy will drop you in a heartbeat." I'd concede to the voice one more time and not try - or act like I tried and fail one more time.

November, 2010, Maryland: I'm training to race next year. There's every likelihood I might get my a$$ handed to me by some kid that can't drive yet (I know, I see you out there you juniors... don't think I'm not watching you...). Yep. I'm almost 40. I haven't raced in *years*. But what is different is I have the drive and determination I never had as a 25 year old. I have the ability to stick to a training plan, listen to direction. I've got endurance. I want it. I may not win, but I'll define my own meaning of success. Even if it's passing the kids in middle school.

And some day I'll go back and do Iceman again. It's an epic race I took for granted. If you've never heard of it - take the time to read this article. The author truly did the race justice:
http://tinyurl.com/2evkqrb

Never Alone

I grew up pretty in the Midwest and live on the East Coast. With my family still located in the square states, I don't often share the holidays with family. Well - let me say that another way, I don't often spend the holidays with the family that raised me. I have always spent holidays with family.

In the past 5 years I have received numerous invitations for all of the major holidays. I can't remember a holiday where I was concerned about what I was going to do - I was more concerned that I didn't want to hurt someone's feelings by turning down an invitation. My ego likes to tell tales of friends battling over getting to me first. :)

This wasn't always the case. I've grown up a lot, and heck - I've just grown. I've gone through all the phases and hopefully come out the other side. But I can easily reflect on the times where there were not multiple invites - and times the phone never rang.

I can also say, I'm grateful for food on the table and friends.

I'm fortunate enough to have a great deal of choices. There is a quote out there about the richest man has the most choices, not the greatest balance in his account and I agree with that. This year, some friends carried on a tradition of having a Thanksgiving-eve dinner. Since we've been getting milk, eggs and other various items delivered by South Mountain Creamery, we ordered a turkey from them this year as well.

The meal was perfect. The company was awesome. What makes the experience over the top is a lot of the ingredients were local. Why does that matter? Values really. Yeah, more and more is outsourced which drives down prices and increases efficiencies (a good thing in a lot of ways). Buying local does all those "lower your carbon footprint" things along with fueling the local economy. I'd far rather add a few bucks in a local farmer's pocket... a farmer, by the way, that feeds cows grass, doesn't use drugs unless they need them and actually lets that animal see sun and walk... That farmer hires local drivers. Local workers. Instead of the opposite...

I feel better about that. A lot better.

Someone argued with me once "but you're one person, and can't really make that big of an impact." The only thing I have to say in response is: Let it begin with me... I won't be alone for long.

My Focus Needs More Focus

I had a 2.5 hour ride on the schedule today. When I talked with Coach Allen I had planned on parking in downtown Ellicott City then driving to Patapsco and riding on the trails. Then I got this bright idea about riding up in Frederick County.

Bad idea. I realized as I was about to head out the door that if I was going to watch my friend Dre in her first Cross race, I needed to already be in Fred-neck and on the road - and I wasn't even in my hot little cycling shorts yet. So, I went with Plan A - parked downtown and headed out. I had *just* enough time.

I did the steady state rides up College and Bonnie Branch. Coach Allen mentioned I didn't need so much to watch cadence or speed as heart rate - which I keep forgetting... So I changed the data settings on my HRM so I could keep an eye on it. Wow. Interesting. I couldn't keep my HR in that zone - I was about 6 beats high - so I just let that part be. Whenever I tried to keep it in the lower range I would space off and be in the 130's.

So, I get to where I need to head to the trail head... and... oh yes I did. I got lost. It baffles me how I can do this after the many, many years I have lived in this area and driven and ridden these roads. I claim oxygen debt. After - literally - an hour - I hit the trails. And about 15 minutes later I got nothin. And I mean it. I just wanted to pull over and have a picnic and take a nap. I got some nutrition and water - and no one joined the party. I figured it would just be what it would be...

At an hour and 45 in I fed again and my legs came to life. That was refreshing. Literally. I did another 15 min on the trail and headed back to the car.

All in all it wasn't a challenging ride, but it was just clear that I was completely focused on the intervals then I was thinking about getting on to the next event of the day - Dre's Cross race. I was concerned I was going to be late - which I was (I missed the start and the first lap).

The part that was totally fun was seeing how my skill is improving - going over roots, climbing - I'm on the bike way more and going faster (I think - I haven't really looked).

After hanging out at the Cross race for a bit I headed to HT and got some food for tonight's dinner. I haven't eaten a thing, mind you, since breakfast (aside from GU). When I got home, the first thing I did was threw down a piece of pumpkin pie. My hands were shaking I was so hungry and depleted (it was 4:30 - I shoulda been!!!). Not exactly the best recovery food - but man was it good!!!!

Cold, Wet, Tired, Dirty and Happy as Heck

I had a 2.5 hour ride ahead of me, and I just couldn't face that indoors on the trainer...

 

So I had planned to head to the Seneca Greenway. Alas, I jacked around too much because that's about an hour's car ride from my place. Patapsco it was. :)

 

I rode there last week and only made it an hour in and had to bail I was so cooked. I figured I would go ahead and give it a go and head out when my legs and mind had enough. I had a few intervals that needed to be done, and I could do those on the trainer. Besides, it was in the low 50's... did I really want to freeze for 2.5 hours on a bike? By the time I finished I figured I'd be in the high 40's... I'm not a huge fan of cold. I can do wet - but wet and cold... no. And the cold-wet combo comes into play when one sweats and starts doing repeats...

 

But I digress...

 

So I pulled into my little parking spot, donned the appropriate layers of gear and headed out. I hit the stream crossing and wet down. Yep. First time in years - in the water. Well - *that* water anyway. All I kept saying to myself was "Get up! Get up! You're getting wet dude!!! Get up!!!" On the other side I assessed the damage. I was soaked. Then I kept asking myself, "Now what?" I did what every self-respecting athlete would do: clipped in and pedaled on.

 

I lost a lot of confidence after that spill. I was walking over twigs. Dismounting for piles of leaves. I got lost. Then, I dunno what happened... something. Somewhere - it was like something got switched in my brain. Everything got quiet - it was going up some big-ass hill. I stopped dismounting (unless it was HUGE). I was moving - and I mean *moving*. I was in the zone. I was floating over roots and getting my teeth rattled out of my head. I was descending like Missy Giove - ok, maybe that's a stretch, but you get the idea...

 

At nearly an hour on the trail I took a "nature brake", took in a few chews, got some fluids and pedaled on... Then I realized I had an appointment with those intervals (aka "Steady State"). So. I went on over to Illchester. I stopped at the car and got another layer and still froze my a$$ off on my way there. I did one of the intervals on the way there. I did 3 of the intervals on Illchester (the last two I kept promising myself "I swear dude, this is the last one..."). I had to cut the last SS short by 2 min as I got back to the car early... and there was a wee downhill in there too. Try a steady state with a downhill... ugh. I had to go to the big chain ring and hold both brakes to keep up the resistance.

 

In retrospect I should have done the intervals in the house first then hit the trail - but all in all - a great ride. As I swing up beside the 'Ru I thought "Every inch of my body hurts." I went to Chipotle for a well-earned burrito. I was so tired last night I nearly couldn't get to sleep. But it was well worth it. Rides like that continue to remind me to push through, that hard gets good. That when I stick with something it's always worth it in the end.

Lost My Groove

Running has been and always will be a form of meditation. I feel free when I run. I've always been able to get out the door and calm my mind just by slipping on a pair of running shoes and pounding out a few miles.

It's the breathing. It's the rhythm of the stride. It's being outside. It's how my head shuts down.

I'm not unique. I've talked to many, many runners and they feel exactly the same way.

With all that said, my stride is labored. My breathing is as well. Running feels like a struggle. So what's worse: being sidelined or struggling to get in a 35 minute run? Without a doubt the struggle. I'm not happy about it - but the struggle is better. How do I know?

I've been here before. I had ACL surgery in May of 2000... and my gate was atrocious. It was horrible. People cringed watching me run. I still cringe thinking about it.

Several months ago I really thought I'd never really run again. I mean really run. Like compete. RUN. But I will. It just sucks right now. And it's sucked before, it's sucked worse. And as a guy I know says, "Sometimes you just have to put your head down and walk into the wind."

So, that's what I gotta do.

I keep lacing up my shoes. I found a track. I carve out time to make it to optimal surfaces.
I make changes.
I keep trying.
I continue.

And one day, I'll run effortlessly. Easily. It will flow again. I'll find my groove.

I Believe

There may be unique events, but circumstances repeat themselves in our lives.

Infinity extends in both directions. Every action you take, however small, matters.